can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She even gives head with a lisp.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
