Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
