Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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