You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
