my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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