Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Randomize
