My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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