Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
