I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I smell stomach acid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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