I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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