Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
