it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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