I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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