I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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