Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
did you just send me my own nude
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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