im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
