i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
