I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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