...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
