My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
