you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
