Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
