i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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