So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
