She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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