May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
