I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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