Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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