What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
