Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
