I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
