If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
