bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
