Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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