went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
