God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
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