3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
