Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
