You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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