My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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