his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
