I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
