just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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