It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
