someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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