I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
