I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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