Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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