my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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