Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
