you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
