you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
