I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
