Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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