So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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