its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
