Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There's always time for handjobs
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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